


Drunk Dialing the Underground

by breejah



Series: 'Quick Fic/Photo Prompt' Labyrinth Challenges [6]
Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Awful sex, Awkwardness, Drinking, Drunk Dialing, Explicit Language, F/M, Parody, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:29:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breejah/pseuds/breejah
Summary: Sarah is plastered and makes the mistake of calling out to her Underground friends. The results and following days after change things for her forever.Three part series to the 4F Challenge for the LFFL Facebook group. Challenge: Create a 50-500 'quick fic' based off a photo prompt.





	1. Chapter 1

“Hell _ooooooo_! Ho _ggggggle_! Are yo _uuuuu_ ther _eeee_?”

Sarah giggled and poked at the floor length mirror in the women’s bathroom at the dive bar she’d spent the last three hours in, ignoring the few odd stares she received as other women exited the stalls or checked their makeup.

Glancing over her shoulder, somehow managing to still hold onto her fifth martini without spilling it – _or was it sixth? Who cares! –_ Sarah waited for the others to leave the bathroom before trying once more.

A deep part of her mind registered the dangerous risk she was taking but she was swayed more to obey the copious amounts of alcohol in her system. Teetering slightly, she straightened her shorts and t-shirt and knocked on the glass again, plastering her forehead to the mirror and waiting for her friend to appear. When he didn’t, she stuck out her tongue and pulled back, downing the rest of her martini and setting the glass on the countertop. She almost slipped to the floor in the process, only managing to stay on her feet by kicking off her shoes and locking her knees.

Smoothing her hair back into place, she tried once more, standing tall and knocking on the mirror before calling for her friend.

“Y _oooooooo_ , Ho _gggggggle_! I need to s _eeeeeeee_ yo _uuuu_!”

The mirror began to blur and coalesce so Sarah leaned back, once again almost stumbling over in the process. When Hoggle’s sleepy expression came into focus, she grinned and clapped, letting out a faint cheer.

“There yo _uuuuu_ ar _eeeee_! I’ve misse _ddddd_ yo _uuuuu_ , Ho _ggggggle_!”

“Sarah?” Hoggle blinked, rubbing his eyes and squinting. He seemed to have a candle in his hand, bringing it up to the mirror. “Do you have any idea what time it is?” Studying her through the mirror, he scowled. “What the hells wrong with you? Wait…are you drunk?”

“M _aaaaaybeeeee_ e…”

She grinned and did a small courtesy, making Hoggle shake his head in annoyance.

“You’re drunk Sarah, go home.”

Sarah blinked, frowning, opening her mouth to argue when he effectively cut off the communication between them, his image evaporating into nothing.

“Did h _eeee_ just han _ggg_ u _ppp_ on m _eeee_?” She shrieked, glaring at the mirror. “How fucking r _uuuuuu_ de!”

Huffing in annoyance, she shrugged and tried once more. _I wonder what Ludo is doing? Surely HE won’t hang up on me! Hmph! When I see Hoggle again, I’m going to give him an earful!_

 _“Luuuuuuudo!_ Oh, _Luuuuudo!_ I _neeeeeed_ you!”

The mirror blurred and coalesced again, bringing with it Ludo’s kinder expression. She smiled slowly and pet at the mirror, not realizing before it was too late that her hand went completely through the mirror. She blinked and tried to find her footing once more but ended up tripping over her own shoes, falling through the mirror in the process.

“Oh _shit_!”

She stumbled through the mirror portal and missed Ludo entirely, who watched with a wide-eyed look of shock as she tried to catch her footing once again but failed. Sarah didn’t realize until after she’d passed through the portal that Ludo had been assisting Goblins in the Goblin City and she tripped over several, letting out a faint scream as she pitched forward.

Sarah and several goblins went flying, stumbling with a loud crash into a pit in the middle of the Goblin City square. Sarah wasn’t the only one screaming out in protest, a chorus of voices joining in as they piled up in the shallow pit.

“Ow!”

“Who’s grabbin’ my ass?!”

“Hey, hey! Them’s jewels not up for sale so lay off!”

“I think I broke something…”

“Wait, who’s boob is this?”

“I’m _so_ sorry…”

“Whomever just licked me is going to get punched….”

Suddenly, a loud rumble was heard and an unmistakable voice rang out, drowning out all the myriad of complaints being screamed from the pit. Everyone stumbled into an awkward silence. “QUIET!”

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! It’s HIM! FUCK!_

Sarah froze for a split second, blinking as she heard the familiar sound of boots walking on stone. Fear suddenly giving life to her limbs, she tried to drunkenly scramble out of the pit or bury herself further, whatever would hide her from Jareth who was nearing the edge of the pit from the shadow he cast across the sun. She began to panic as she made no headway, fighting harder to edge herself out of his line of sight. _If he sees me, my ass is grass! I’ll never be able to return home! Fuck, shit, fuckity shit!_

The goblins felt her panic and also started to panic themselves, realizing that there might be something to fear with the Goblin King’s approach. A few had realized who she was and had begun to whisper amongst themselves, pushing back at her as she struggled to hide. Glaring, she tried harder to escape but the little bastards were holding on tight and refusing to let go. Before she realized, half her shirt was torn open in the process and her hair had fallen out of its updo when suddenly – she realized the boots had stopped moving.

Ever so slowly, her head tilted up towards the dark figure blocking out the sun. She heard a sharp intake of air from him and she waited, not saying anything, trying her best to make light of the situation and simply offering a shy smile.

“Er, hiiiii.”

“What the fuck – “

She never heard the rest of his reply, passing out cold, the drinks finally hitting her full force. One thing was for sure, she was in for one hell of a morning.

 


	2. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for a continuation, so here you go. This still holds a "T" rating. I want to keep the emphasis of this fic on humor. This is also my contribution to the March Challenge in the LFFL FB Challenge.
> 
> Challenge: Write a fic with the following writing prompts: 4 leaf clovers(shamrocks), leprechaun(s), drinking/drunk, gold (color or actual gold), and snake(s)! Pick at least 3.
> 
> Enjoy Sarah's "Walk of Shame!" I'm considering the "drunk" part already done, LOL.

 

Sunlight filtering through the windows woke Sarah, who immediately felt a throbbing behind her eyes that amounted to what it might feel like if a stampede of elephants had trampled across her forehead. Groaning softly, she wiped at her face and tried to sit up but the instant sense of vertigo made her gag and fall back onto the sheets. Her stomach heaved but she sucked in sharp breathes of blessedly cool air and the rioting in her stomach slowly stopped. Licking her lips, she made a face at the foul taste of her martinis in her mouth. "I want to die…" She muttered. "I am never going out for Saint Patrick's day again."

Frowning and sweeping the hair out of her eyes, she felt a warm cup of something pushed into her hands and murmured a thanks, not even bothering to look who handed the cup to her, sitting up and taking a small tentative sip of the liquid. It helped with her headache and eased the queasiness of her stomach and she let out a small sigh.

"Now that you're feeling a little better, care to explain yourself?" A familiar baritone voice called to her right.

Sarah immediately spewed the swallow of liquid she had in her mouth, bringing her elbow over her mouth as she scrambled back and screamed. Her head whipped over and she stared wide-eyed at an impatient Goblin King who wore an expression that balanced between annoyance and amusement on the other side of the bed. His hair was even wilder than normal, telling her he probably had just woken up himself. He was wearing bedclothes and looked rather ridiculous.

"What the hell? How… _Jareth?_ What are you doing in my…wait...where the hell am I?" Sarah stammered, looking around. She didn't recognize anything and scrambled towards the other end of the bed, realizing with mounting horror where she assumed she was. "Is this…your… _bed?_  Oh my god,  _did we_ …?"

"No, we did not." He looked almost offended at the sound of revulsion in her voice. "Why, what's wrong with us…?" He made a vague hand gesture between the two of them.

"Are you  _kidding me?_  I…" Sarah stopped herself and pinched the bridge her nose, her eyes drifting down, only to have her freeze, an incredulous look on her face as her voice waivered on an odd tone, as if she was barely holding herself together. "What the hell am I wearing?"

"That? I grabbed it from one of those…what do you call them? Souvenir shops, in the Aboveground. Is it not to your liking?"

Sarah's mouth moved but no noise came out. She was wearing what she could only say was an oversized kegger shirt in gold and green with a bold 'KISS ME, I'M FUCKING IRISH' emblazed across the front with a cartoon image of a leprechaun pulling down his pants and grabbing his ass. The boob portion of her shirt had shamrocks over them. She'd have ripped off the offending shirt if she could trust that she could find her clothes, which she wasn't seeing.  _No more martinis, Williams. Perhaps for the rest of your pathetic life._

"Nevermind that, more importantly…where's my clothes? Did you undress me?" She squeaked and backed up further, actually tumbling off the bed that time, landing hard on her ass and spilling the contents of the cup he'd given her. By some miracle, the contents missed her and she remained dry. "Ow!"

"Sarah?" Jareth blinked, leaning over to peer at her. "Are you alright?"

"Do I  _look OK_ , Jareth?" She shouted up at him, scowling and raising to a stand. "Where are my clothes?!"

"Relax, woman. I used magic to wash and dress you…"

" _WHAT!?"_

"I didn't look at anything, even if I was curious..."

Sarah almost fainted. "This is not happening,  _this is not happening_!" She looked wildly around the room, looking for her shoes. They were ominously absent. Either way, it was time to  _go._  She'd exhausted a lifetime's worth of mortification and she had only woken up five minutes ago.

"Look, it's not like I appreciate you looking out for me, but I need to go…I need…to-to…feed my goldfish.  _It's a matter of life and death_ ….so, as you can tell…I gotta go-erm,  _bye_!" She scrambled for an excuse to get the hell out of Dodge, inwardly wincing at what was probably the lamest excuse ever. So what? It wasn't a total lie, even if the goldfish in question was Toby's fish and probably didn't need to be fed. He didn't know that.

She dashed for the door and bolted down the hall. She looked over her shoulder, relieved he didn't follow.

"Oof!" She turned and picked up her pace, only to slam into Jareth who magically appeared in front of her with a frown.

"That was very rude." He crossed his arms across his chest, now dressed back in his usual flamboyant attire. "After I nursed you through the night…like a good…friend."

"My fish…" She lamely offered but he cut her off with a slash of his hand.

"I'll let you go only if you give me what I want." He waited for her to reply, arching an eyebrow as he stared at her.

She blinked, her eyebrows raising as she stared at him warily. "What do you want?"

"I helped you last night, doesn't that make me your friend?" He insisted, ignoring her question, stepping towards her cautiously as if he was afraid she'd bolt again.

"Er, sure…" She hedged, studying him with a narrowed gaze. She held her ground, determined to hear him out. He grinned and leaned forward, attempting to kiss her.

"Hey, hey! What the hell, Jareth?" She backed up quickly, glaring at him and holding her hands up.

"What? You just said I was your friend…" He frowned, a look of confusion on his face as he studied her with interest. She refused to ignore the hungry look on his face. "What's wrong? Why can't I kiss you?"

"Um, friends don't kiss…" She swallowed, backing up slowly. Jareth looked put out. If she wasn't slightly mortified that the idea didn't totally repel her, she'd smacked him.

"You kissed  _Hogwart_  of all people! And he is your friend! Why not me?"

Sarah's mouth trembled as she did her damnedest to smother a laugh, hearing his words. "Not on the  _mouth!_  Good god!"

It was Jareth's turn to narrow his eyes. "So then what do you call a friend you kiss on the mouth?"

"A boyfriend?" She squeaked, not liking where this was going.

Jareth rolled his eyes. "I am no boy. Why do you mortals come up with the lamest names? Why not…man-friend?"

At that, Sarah actually laughed. "Yeah, no. It's boyfriend. Sorry, I don't make up the rules and…I am not calling you my man-friend." She hastily added at the sudden gleam in his eyes. "Or boyfriend!"

Jareth looked genuinely disgruntled as he stared at her with annoyance. "What does one do to…be a…boyfriend?"

Sarah blinked. "You're kidding. Haven't you had one? A girlfriend? Or..boy, I won't judge." She shrugged and smiled faintly, playing it safe, considering her dressed better than some of her girlfriends.  _Hey, you never know!_

Jareth stared her and she gawked at the creep of color over his cheeks. She raised both eyebrows as she smothered another laugh and did her best to offer a smile. "You've never…kissed someone? Had…relations? You know…fucked? Banged? Shagged? Whatever it is you call it here? I mean, you have a crap ton of goblins and surely not all of them come from wished-away kids. So, surely you know what that means?"

"Of course I know what it means," Jareth snapped, but she stared in shock as he shifted, nervously clearing his throat. "It's just that….I… don't think I've had the pleasure. I don't know."

Sarah almost fell over with his embarrassed admission. "I'm confused. What do you mean, 'I don't think so?' I'd think you'd remember something like that."

"I don't remember anything past ruling here and if you haven't noticed, there's not too many females here that I'd be willing to entertain that concept with." He shifted uncomfortably under her stare, his eyes flashing at her, daring her to make fun of him. "And if you tell anyone this, I will…send you to an oubliette!"

Sarah laughed, wiping at her eyes. Suddenly, she couldn't remember why she was mad at him. "Wow, that…sucks. I always thought…nevermind. What about going Aboveground? Finding someone there?"

He gave her a pointed stare, making her flush. "Right…"

She waved her hands. "Back to business. I didn't wish myself here and I am not kissing you on the mouth. So how about I go…and…"

She watched as Jareth frowned and glared, moving towards her to say something but she held up her hand.

"And…you can come visit me tomorrow. I'll take you out for pizza."

Jareth blinked, staring at her. "Are you…asking me on a date? Wait…does this mean you'll consider me your  _boyfriend_?" A slow grin spread across his features.

"Maybe, 'I don't know.' We'll see." She stammered then smirked as she quoted him, making him scowl, the grin instantly fading from his face. "And only if you stop throwing snakes on me..."

He rolled his eyes. "It wasn't a real snake…"

"Still, gross. I hate those damn things." She shuddered and shook her head.

"So…. _hypothetically_ …if I  _were_  to become your… _boyfriend…_ does this mean you'd let me do  _more_  than just kiss you?" He grinned and slid forward, letting his eyes linger over her form. She flushed faintly and shifted nervously, coughing to drag his attention back to her face.

"Um, it's a little early to answer that, don't you think?" She asked, stepping back.

"Entertain me. What would you let me do? Or what would you be willing to do to me? Curious minds want to know." He stalked forward but didn't get too close, knowing she'd jump away.

"I…" Sarah was at a complete loss for words.  _Is this what he wanted at the end of the damn 13 hours? 'Love me, Fear me, Do as I say, because I need a really good shag?'_ She almost snorted in laughter at the idea.

"I…could…you know…." She made a vague gesture with her hand, unable to voice whatever she might be willing to do, unable to come up with an acceptable reply.

He frowned. "Well, that's hardly fun. I already do  _that."_

" _Hoooooooooooooly TMI, Batman!_  I did  _not_  need to know that, Jareth!" She gasped, her eyes going wide, bringing her hands over her eyes.  _I will never get that image out of my head! HELP!_

"Who's Batman?" Jareth asked, confused.

That was it. She literally fell over, laughter spilling out of her mouth at an alarming wait. He glared, his hands on his hips and she literally felt tears slide down her cheeks. "I…can't…breathe…"

"What's so funny? Who is this Batman? Is he someone you like?"

_Here lies Sarah Williams, dead in the Undeground from laughter. She will be sorely missed._

"Please…stop!" She gasped and grinned as she saw his jaw flex and then he started to chuckle, helping her up off the floor. Feeling him touching her instantly stopped her laughter, making her suck in a sharp breath.

"So…tomorrow?" He asked, staring at her with a small smile.

She grinned faintly. "Tomorrow. Wear something…. casual. This is a little too much even for Aboveground tastes." She gestured to his outfit. He frowned and she hastily added. "I like it, just not sure about the rest of the humans we'll be around."

He grinned and tossed a crystal at her. "Until tomorrow, precious."

She yelped and found herself standing in her one bedroom apartment. She sagged and fell onto her couch. "What have I got myself into…"


	3. The Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY Y'ALL! I had to add another chapter to this fic with an awfull awkward sex scene, so this is officially going M status.
> 
> THIS IS NOT A DRILL. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> Blame Buzzfeed and their "why these bitches always have perf sex scenes in their fics?!" crap. (As if anyone wants to normally read that shit) CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, BUZZFEED. Hold my beer, #fightme.
> 
> Also, to set the mood, may I recommend the following songs before reading. WARNING: Do not watch/listen and drink at the same time, I can't guarantee that you will not choke or snort said drink up your nose during or after and I will not be responsible for causing bodily harm:
> 
> Lonely Island - Jizz In My Pants  
> Lonely Island - I Just Had Sex (ft. Akon)  
> Justin Timberlake – Dick in a Box
> 
> PS – If you want to set my lawn on fire after reading this, this is all A and R's fault. (LOL) In their words – physically compelled and morally obligated (or something).

 

Sarah had stupidly gone to work the next day, doing her best to keep busy but kept finding herself flicking her eyes towards the clock. She really should have just called in, doing that weird fake cough and gravelly voice thing everyone did when they're really just playing hooky. She did her best to stay secluded in her office, isolating herself from her co-workers, who were still teasing her about her bar performance the other day. When they asked her where she went after going in the bathroom, as they hadn't been able to find her, she sputtered and they all laughed thinking she'd found some random person to have regretful sex with. She rolled her eyes at their antics but cringed inwardly.  _Might as well have been what happened – in fact, I think I would have preferred that._

The day went entirely too fast. She never thought she'd find the day she wished the work hours drug on forever but sure enough, here she was. Too fast, the clock sped up as if the thing had maliciously decided that today of all days was its payback on all her cursing of its existence and the day was almost over, the date with Jareth that evening leering over her head. She swallowed nervously when the clock read four o'clock. She knew Jareth would be over within a few hours and she still hadn't worked out a plan to weasel her way out of the date.

_Why the hell did I open my fat mouth and ask him out? Gah!_

Sighing when the clock turned to five o'clock, she drug her purse out from under her desk and dug her car keys out of her pocket, heading for her car in the parking garage next door. As she walked, her panic rose with the small thud of her heels. She still didn't have a plan. Spotting her car, she sighed and rolled her shoulders, trying to relax as she neared it in the corner of the vacant garage, rehearsing a speech that she'd started to put together in her head.  _So, Jareth, you do realize that I was drunk and then hung over and I didn't really mean the whole pizza thing….right? So, you know, we can just go back to being quasi-enemies and I'll leave you to continue your solitary wanking-alone existence…wish you luck on the whole 'losing your V card' quest, but see….I'm…._

"Hello, precious."

Sarah shrieked, grabbing for her pepper spray and turning, hitting Jareth right in the eyes before she realized it was him. He sputtered and coughed then dropped to his knees, wiping at his eyes and letting out a sharp cry.

_Well, look at the bright side, pretty sure he doesn't want to fuck a woman who just maced him in the face._

"Jareth! I'm so sorry!" Sarah cringed and hurried towards him, mortified, but he backed away from her quickly, wiping at his face and murmuring something under his breath. Soon, the pepper spray seemed to be gone but his face was still red and blotchy as he winced, blinking his bloodshot eyes.

"FUCK, SARAH!" He finally yelled, scowling at her, after he seemed to have regained his senses. She had just stood there awkwardly, trying to figure out the best thing to say – then he yelled at her and the proverbial shit hit the fan.

 _Excuse you! Scaring a woman in a vacant parking lot?! Why is this_ _**my** _ _fault?_

"WHAT!? OH, HELL NO, DON'T YOU GO BLAMING ME! DO YOU ALWAYS SCARE WOMEN IN SHADOWY GARAGES WITH NO NOTICE!? STALKER MUCH!?" She yelled back, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.

"I was trying to surprise you…" He winced again, his voice softening and losing its edge, holding up a crumbled bunch of flowers that were hiding behind his back.

Sarah blinked, feeling instant regret at his botchy face as she awkwardly grabbed them and inspected them while continuing to peek at his face. He kept wincing then sneezed, waving a hand when she asked if he was ok. She lowered her eyes to the bouquet and couldn't help but smile. It was a small arrangement of lilies and she looked back at him, realizing he'd dressed in dark mundane clothing and had tied his hair back from his face.

"You didn't have to…" She started and he looked at her with a scowl.

"I'm regretting it…" He admitted and she threw the flowers at him and started to stalk away.

"No, wait! I'm sorry. I'm just…listen, can we start over?" He had reached forward and grabbed her hand. She looked back at him as she stopped, wrenching her hand from his. She looked at the expression of regret in his eyes (that were still bloodshot and bleary) and she sighed, nodding.

"Well, I  _did_ mace you. I guess I  _have_  to buy you dinner now."

He smiled faintly and wiped at his face again. "And a kiss too, maybe?"

She narrowed her gaze. "Don't push your luck. You deserved that, lurking in here like some kind of creeper. Come on."

She directed him to her car and they both awkwardly drove to her apartment, where she decided that was the best to just order takeout from her favorite pizza place down the street.

Bad idea.

 

* * *

Jareth inspected the photos she had on her mantle as she moved into the kitchen and phoned the pizza place, ordering her usual. After she gave them her credit card information, she hung up and moved back into the living room, watching him.

He turned and looked at her and she swallowed, willing herself with every fiber of her being to keep her eyes on his face, despite how attractive he looked in the dark clothing that fit his trim body well.  _Why can't you be like the creepy Goblin King guy from Lord of the Rings? This wouldn't be so awkward if I was repulsed by you on an anatomic level. Noooooooo, you gotta look like some goddamned rock star. Fuck my life._

"Drink?" She asked, clearing her throat and her mind, motioning to her small wet bar by the patio. He shook his head, having no such reservations about looking over her form with an appreciative eye. She frowned, shifting nervously on her feet and moving forward, showing him how to operate the TV.

"I'm just going to go change…" She said quickly, escaping into the safety of her bedroom. "The pizza guy should be here in about ten minutes, they're just up the street. When he comes, just sign the paper where it asks for signature, sign my name. The tip was already added."

"Why do you need to change? I like what you're wearing..." He murmured, paying more attention to her than the TV, his eyes gleaming as he studied her work dress and his smile hinting at his sharp teeth behind those lips.

"Because….I want to be comfortable.." She finally replied, searching for a reason.  _Because I am going to look in my closet for the fugliest outfit I own and pray to god you're repulsed enough I make it through this date without riding you like the hottest roller coaster in town. Because I can't trust myself when you're wearing those clothes or looking at me like that. Because this is the most insane thing I've ever done. Because….just fucking_ _ **because**_ _, dammit! Why do I need a reason?!_

Turning, she headed into her room and closed the door. The TV blared from the other room and she didn't hear him try to follow her. Sagging against the door for a moment, she marched to her closet and flung open the doors. "Operation 'Dress like a crazy old cat lady' is a go…"

Digging through her clothes, she began to grin, spotting the perfect thing.

 

* * *

Jareth wouldn't admit it, but he was seriously nervous. His palms were sweating and he was doing his best to watch this odd contraption Sarah had turned on that blared colorful images across the screen but couldn't seem to focus, remembering what she'd been wearing from her employment.

Shifting uncomfortably, having been too embarrassed to admit he'd been nursing a semi since he'd been in the car and could feel his face again after he'd removed that noxious stuff from his face she'd sprayed on him. She was gorgeous and he was as close to praying that his kind could be that she'd let him do what he wanted to do tonight.

Glancing down, he nervously tugged on his pants and heard the doorbell ring. Standing, he walked and opened the door, staring into the face of a small teenaged boy who had thrust a box at him and a paper and pen.

"Good evening, Sir! Your pizza is…" His eyes flickered down and his eyes bugged a little. He coughed and did his best to look over his shoulder, fidgeting.

"Yes?" Jareth said, taking the pizza and setting it on the entry table.

"I…need you to sign the paper?"

An awkward pause and nothing.

"Please just sign the fucking paper, man. And you can get back to whatever the hell it is you're doing." The teenager looked back over his shoulder again, his eyes nervously drifting down as Jareth stood there, staring in confusion, and the kid gestured to the pen and paper in his hand.

He signed it and handed it back and the kid snatched it from him and literally ran down the hallway. Jareth leaned out and watched him run away then looked down, realizing what had freaked the kid out. "Fuck," he grimaced, slamming the door shut.

Quickly, he conjured a jacket and jerked it into place just as Sarah came out of her bedroom. He closed the door and awkwardly positioned himself so she wouldn't realize he was painfully aroused. Gritting his teeth, he turned to look at her and froze.

"What…in the actual fuck…are you wearing…"

The good thing was, he no longer had an awkward boner to deal with.

 

* * *

Sarah preened in the neon felt onsie that her grandmother had given her four Christmases ago. "This? It's my 'lounge and eat pizza' date outfit."

He just stared, a look of horror on his face. She attempted to look put out, crossing her arms over her chest. "Oh no you don't. You have no room to judge, Mr. Metrosexual. You wear outfits that even Prince wouldn't dream of donning."

"You and these strange men I don't know, you're beginning to worry me…" He frowned as she slid forward and snatched the pizza box, moving to the couch, popping open the box once she plopped it on the coffee table, snagging the nearest slice of margarita pizza and doing her damnedest to eat it in the most gross way possible, chewing with her mouth open and everything.

"Good gods, does that thing have a hood? Are those cat ears?" She heard him mutter, sitting down beside her and grabbing a slice himself, doing a much more dignified attempt at eating said slice. She shrugged one shoulder.

"So?"

Jareth wisely kept quiet.

 

* * *

A few hours and two movies later, they were slumped on either sides of the couch, both denying that they were past slightly tipsy and making a steady climb towards shit-faced drunk. Perhaps letting Jareth open that bottle of brandy she'd been saving for the day she told her boss to fuck himself when she quit was a bad idea.  _Williams, you need to really re-evaluate your life choices here, seems you got some problems you need to work out. Maybe when you're not drunk, though._

"You…seriously thought…I wouldn't fuck you if you wore that?" Jareth blinked slowly, staring at her with glassy eyes, then barked out in laughter.

"Yeah, well…can't help you're hot. Hoped it worked. Didn't, seems." Sarah slurred faintly, trying to sit up as his hands ghosted around her waist and attempted to drag her towards him. He half succeeded until her legs tangled with his and she half slumped across him, her face buried against his stomach.

"I admit it's ugly as sin, but still…isn't that why people take their clothes off to have sex?" He muttered in her ear, sputtering to get her hair out of his mouth as she tried to whip her face to look up at him, groping for the zipper to her outfit and frowning in concentration when he didn't find it.

Sarah giggled and tried to sit up and crawl up into his lap, accidently kneeing him gently in the groin. He yelped and jerked under her and she gave him a slightly apologetic look. "Here…" She unzipped the onsie and wiggled out of it, noticing absently to herself –  _Oh, hey, forgot to put on clothes under the thing…_

Jareth stared, slack-jawed, then jerked up to try and grab her face so fast she actually fell off the couch, crashing to the floor with a small yelp. He froze, mortified, but the small giggle coming from her let her know she was alright and didn't hold a grudge at his ineptness. Jerking off his clothes as quickly as he could, wincing at the discomfort of undressing with a raging hard on, he reached for her but she'd already sat up and had climbed into his lap.

Her mouth met his with a little too much force and her teeth bumped against his awkwardly. It didn't matter, he was so turned on, if she even –  _FUCK! That feels…so…wait, STOP! NO! GODS, PLEASE, NO!_

Too late to do anything but grunt, Jareth stiffened and tried to still her hips as she wiggled and sank down on him, moaning brokenly as he peaked without any notice. Sarah sat astride him, her eyes going wide, mouth attempting to form words, watching Jareth's face twist as he attempted to apologize and just moaned, slumping under her while she just stared.

"ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" She started in anger, slapping him across the face when he'd regained his senses. He blinked, heat rising up his cheeks.

"I…." He started and she stood, pulling herself away from him, huffing and going to the bedroom, slamming the door. Jareth sat there on the couch, blinking slowly, then looked down at his cock and frowned. "Of all the days! Really?!" He grimaced and wiped a hand across his face. "I suppose it was amazing, for all the two seconds that lasted..."

"Are you arguing with your dick?" Sarah said slowly from the bedroom and he jerked his head up, staring. She had opened the door was still naked, a towel in hand, and his gaze lowered to look over her nakedness for the first real time, his head still fuzzy from all the booze. He felt his body respond and Sarah dropped her gaze, eyes going wide.

"Does it always rebound so fast?" She said, slightly in awe, her voice suddenly breathy.

He nodded, looking confused. "Yes, why…is that a problem? Are you…do you…want to do it again?" He weakly added, trying to not look too hopeful.

"Praise god…" She murmured and moved towards him, almost attacking him when she sat astride him again. "This time, warn me?"

He nodded rapidly and she grinned faintly, leaning forward and kissing him. His brows knit in confusion when she began to slink off his waist and lower her face but then she, she was, her mouth was –  _oh my GODS! WHAT IS SHE…OH!_

"Oh,  _come on_! Not again!"

 

* * *

Sarah blinked slowly, sunlight once more waking her up. This time, her whole body ached and she soon realized she was sleeping naked on the floor of her living room. She froze, looking slowly over her shoulder and – sure enough – there he was. The room was destroyed but she'd deal with that later. For now, she had to figure out how to deal with finding herself naked on the floor with a man from another world with a magical cock.

 _Thank Christ fae had good stamina or I have ended up on the evening news for having committed murder if I was left out of the climax club after those first two horrid rounds._ She smiled, remembering how he caught on quick and by the end of the night, she began to see he had the potential to be a fun pupil in the bedroom.

He slowly came to about the same time she did and they stared at each other for several minutes, awkwardly staring in the silence that followed.

"So…." He started and she interrupted him.

"Wanna see another movie tomorrow?"

He grinned faintly.


End file.
